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Five top reasons to stay civil with your ex during your divorce

From health risks to spiralling legal fees, why sparring spouses should avoid conflict at all costs

Divorce sits comfortably in the top three most grief-stricken life events. Loss, regret, fear, anger, uncertainty; all things we experience as we navigate the pathway that leads to living separate lives.

Historically, sparring spouses have gone into the process with their defences up and their boxing gloves on – preparing to fight over the division of assets, who will stay in the family home, who will have the children and on what days, and where the pets are going to live.

Increasingly though, the tides are turning, and many couples are doing all they can to keep things amicable.

According to a survey conducted last year by national law firm Simpson Millar*, 74% of couples who are going through a divorce (or a separation) want to remain civil, and over recent months the firm has reported a surge in couples that are choosing to delay proceedings until the introduction of no-fault divorce on April 6th. 

Here, family lawyer David Lister from Simpson Millar lists the top five reasons why his clients are ditching mudslinging in favour of a sensible approach and a new trend known as Separating Together.

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“The number of divorces in 2020 dropped by around 5% in comparison to the previous year according to the latest Office for National Statistics (ONS) data,” David says. “But that is not reflective of the true number of couples calling it quits in our experience.

“If anything, we saw a real spike in enquiries throughout 2020 and 2021.

“The stresses caused by home schooling, furlough, the severity of Covid and the potential impact to health, isolation from friends and loved ones and the continued uncertainty around what the future had in store put immense strain on many marriages, and sadly many didn’t survive.

“All through the pandemic the team were incredibly busy advising on relationship breakdowns, and particularly children disputes.”

David says the drop in completed divorces is more likely to be the result of significant backlogs in the family courts, and people opting to ‘sort things out themselves’ before making things official.

He added: “What we have seen over the last six months or so is a real desire to keep things as amicable as possible during proceedings.

“Many of our clients are now opting to use our one lawyer divorce service, which is called Separating Together and is designed to help reduce the emotional and financial burden normally associated with divorce. We are also working with some clients who are waiting for ‘no-fault’ to come into force in April.”

“Bitter divorces have almost become dirty and out of date phrases like “Ditch the Bitch” would never stand up as successful marketing ploys like they once did.

“There’s no denying that there is a growing aspiration to divorce with dignity, and in my experience that boils down to five key factors.” 

Do it for the kids.

David says: “This is perhaps the most common reason that people opt for a more civil separation, with parents wanting to do all they can to prioritise the wellbeing of their children during a divorce and to maintain regular contact during the process.

“If couples are constantly arguing and fighting, children can get caught up in the turmoil which could really impact their mental health, their education and their relationships with their parents. In worse case scenarios they may feel forced to choose sides, which isn’t fair.

“By staying civil, and even involving them in the decision-making process about what will happen when the divorce is completed, this can all be avoided.”

Protecting both body and mind.

A recent study (published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health) which tracked the health of 4,835 people following a separation or divorce between 1986 and 2011, found that men’s health was considerably more affected than women’s.

According to one of the authors of the study, this was attributable in part to the fact that men tend to have smaller social networks and are therefore at higher risk of loneliness.

Mentalhealth.org also reports that in England, around one in eight men has a common mental health problem such as depression or anxiety.

“In my experience, clients are increasingly switched on to the impact that stress can have on the body,” David adds. “By maintaining a good relationship with an ex during the divorce process, it’s far easier to also maintain mutual friendships and even to maintain contact with the in-laws which could significantly reduce both the mental and physical health risks that many men face.”

Cutting costs:

“This is a really big deal for a lot of our clients these days,” David says. “The headlines are always full of costly divorces and expensive legal bills while couples drag each other through the courts, but most people don’t want, or simply can’t afford, to go down that route.

“Instead, keeping things civil can help keep the costs right down, while still ensuring that both parties’ needs are accommodated in the ultimate settlement.

“In fact, this is such a motivating factor for so many of our clients that increasingly they are opting to use the same lawyer as part of the divorce application process, as part of our market leading service; Separating Together.

“This has the potential to save thousands of pounds for both the applicant and the respondent – even in the most clean cut of cases, it could save up to £1k - leaving more money in the pot to help move on when the decree absolute comes through.

“In bigger money cases, the costs savings could be over £50,000 when compared with traditional litigation, and the timescales cut by 80% in some instances.”

Quickie divorce

David explains: “This is a phrase that haunts family lawyers, as there really is no such thing as a ‘quickie divorce’. However, there are certainly ways to speed up the process, and being amicable, choosing a good lawyer, and where possible, using the same lawyer to formalise things, can certainly help.

“In situations where couples can’t agree, and the courts become involved, they are likely to experience lengthy delays. This has been made even worse of late as the backlogs in the Family Courts are significant after Covid and perpetual Government cutbacks.”

Kiss and makeup

“This was perhaps one of the most unexpected yet heart-warming outcomes of a shift towards more amicable divorces,” David says.

“While the vast majority of people who come to us have emotionally moved on from their ex-relationship, and are ready to start a new life, that’s not always the case. On a handful of occasions over the last year people have ended up rekindling the romance and got back together.

“In all of those cases sitting down amicably and looking at what they had achieved and built together over the years has triggered quite a few emotions, and both parties decided to give it another whirl.

“Whether those relationships work in the long run, only time will tell, but we wish them all the luck in the world.”

*In February 2021 Simpson Millar conducted a survey of 1,000 UK adults who have been divorced / or are in the process of getting a divorce.

 

Other Parenting Articles for you

To read 'Family lawyers must challenge themselves amidst growing desire for amicable divorces' click here 

To read 'From Divorce to Death: The dos and don't of having difficult conversations with kids' click here

To read 'Charity says number of couples in conflict soared during the pandemic despite drop in divorce rates' click here

picture of divorced parents with child in the middle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cover photo by By g-stockstudio on Canva

 

 

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