First Christmas co-parenting after separation? Family law expert reveals 4 tips to help you through

Jennifer Moore, family law expert at Rayden Solicitors shares her top tips to help parents navigate the challenges of co-parenting over Christmas

Christmas is often a special and magical time of year; especially for children. Most people wish to spend the festive period with family and friends, however, it can be a difficult time for separated parents and their children if arrangements cannot be agreed on.

With this in mind and Christmas just around the corner, Jennifer Moore, Legal Director at Rayden Solicitors and expert in child contact and custody disputes has shared her insights into how to positively co-parent over the Christmas period.

Consider the longer term: If the separation is new and the children are young, there will be many years, potentially decades, to navigate, as co-parents. Effective co-parenting hinges on maintaining healthy communication methods with your ex. Consider each interaction with your ex with your child's well-being in mind.

Keep the “grown-up talk” out of earshot: It is known that exposing children to parental conflict is not in their interests and is potentially harmful. Research* conducted by Dr. Irwin Sandler in 2013 revealed that conflict between parents poses the greatest risk for harm to children - not the divorce itself. With this in mind, it’s extremely important to work through any conflict together without involving your child.

Consider mediation if communication is difficult: If communication is difficult, as is often the case, consider involving a third party; mediation and/or family therapy are both useful mechanisms for agreeing on parenting principles, such as having the same rules and boundaries in place in respect of religious traditions.

Implement a ‘parenting plan’: A parenting plan is a written plan worked out between parents after they separate. It can help clarify the arrangements and set down what each parent expects of the other when the child is in their care.

Dr Seb Thompson, Clinical Psychologist at Cygnet Health Care says:

“One of the core psychological needs of any child is to feel loved, accepted and safe. People who co-parent are ultimately the child’s primary attachment figures and are the people that the child will look for to provide that safe, nurturing and validating environment in which they can grow and thrive. Should there be difficulties in that relationship it is important that the child knows that they are not the cause of these difficulties and that they ultimately feel loved by both of the co-parents.”

“Children are ultimately egocentric, as the part of the brain that allows them to think about the thoughts and feelings of others doesn’t properly develop into late adolescence or early twenties. There is a risk therefore that children will begin to internalise any difficulties in relationship, or any arguments, and believe that they are the cause of any friction or distress that exists within the family system. Once children start to internalise these feelings of blame then this could then lead on to difficulties with their own mental health.

What the law says

All of the individuals with Parental Responsibility, which is usually both parents, should agree on the important decisions in a child’s life. This means that significant decisions in a child's life, including what time they might spend with each parent over the festive period, must be made jointly.

In the event of a disagreement, either parent can make an application to the Court for an Order under Section 8 of the Children Act 1989, to define what time the children shall spend with each parent and to address specific issues.

When deciding on any application under the Children Act 1989, the Court’s paramount consideration must be the welfare of the child. Considerations will include:

The ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (in light of their age and understanding)
The child’s physical and emotional needs
The likely effect on the child of any change in their circumstances
The child’s age, sex, background and any characteristics which the court considers are relevant
Any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
How capable each of the child’s parents are, of meeting their needs