Divorce coach shares how to support your children through a divorce

Written by Monika Braglewicz, Breakup & Divorce coach

Divorce is one of the biggest transitions a family can experience.

As a divorce coach, I've worked with many parents who tell me the same thing: they're not only worried about how separation will affect them, they're worried about how it will affect their children.

The truth is that divorce can be difficult for children. It often brings uncertainty, changes to routines and a lot of emotions that they may not fully understand. But children are also incredibly resilient. When they feel safe, loved and supported, most are able to adjust and thrive over time.

You don't need to navigate this perfectly. What matters most is how you show up for your children during the process.

Here are some of the ways you can help support your children through a divorce.

Tell them together if you can

One of the hardest conversations you'll ever have as a parent is telling your children that you're separating.

Whenever possible, try to have this conversation together. Seeing both parents in the same room can provide reassurance that, although things are changing, you are still working together to care for them.

Keep your explanation simple and age-appropriate. Children don't need to hear the details of what went wrong in the relationship. They need to understand what is happening and what it means for them.

I often remind parents that children don't need to understand why a marriage ended. What they really want to know is whether they are still loved, where they will live, and whether they will still see both parents.

It's also worth thinking carefully about timing. Choose a moment when your children feel safe and settled, rather than rushing into the conversation during a stressful or emotional time.

Remind them that the divorce is not their fault

You may assume your child knows they aren't responsible for the separation, but many children quietly worry that they somehow caused it.

Perhaps they remember an argument. Maybe they've been struggling at school or acting out at home. Children often see themselves as the centre of their world, which can lead them to draw connections that just aren't true.

You may need to tell them repeatedly that the divorce is an adult decision and has nothing to do with anything they have done or not done.

Even if they don't say it out loud, hearing this message again and again can help relieve a huge emotional burden.

Make space for all of their feelings

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is trying to make their children feel better too quickly.

Of course, seeing your child upset is heartbreaking. Your instinct may be to reassure them that everything will be fine or encourage them to focus on the positives.

But children need space to process what they're feeling.

Some children become angry. Others become withdrawn. Some seem unusually clingy, while others seem surprisingly unaffected. You may even have one child who feels upset and another who seems relieved if there has been conflict at home.

There is no right or wrong way for a child to react. Your job isn't to fix their emotions. It's to let them know their emotions are welcome.

A simple "I can see this feels really hard for you" often does more than trying to solve the problem. When children feel heard, they are far more likely to keep talking.

Be mindful of how you speak about your ex-partner

This can be incredibly difficult, especially if the separation has been painful or they move on first.

However, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is allowing them to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents wherever it is safe and appropriate to do so. When parents criticise one another in front of children, it can create confusion, guilt and emotional conflict.

Children often see themselves as part of both parents. Negative comments about one parent can sometimes feel like negative comments about them.

That doesn't mean you need to pretend everything is perfect. It simply means being thoughtful about what you say and when you say it.

Your ex-partner may no longer be your partner, but they are still your child's parent.

Avoid using children as messengers, involving them in adult disagreements or asking them to take sides. Those are burdens they should never have to carry.

Keep their routines as stable as possible

During times of uncertainty, routine creates security. While some changes will be unavoidable, try to keep as much of your child's day-to-day life consistent as possible.

School, clubs, mealtimes, bedtimes and friendships can all provide important anchors when other parts of life feel unsettled.

Children often cope better when they know what to expect. This is particularly important in the early stages of separation, when they may already be adjusting to new living arrangements and family dynamics.

The goal isn't perfection. It's creating enough familiarity that your child continues to feel grounded despite the changes happening around them.

Remember that this isn't a one-time conversation

Many parents hope that once they've had "the divorce conversation", the hardest part is over. In reality, children process divorce over time.

The questions they ask at six years old may be very different from the questions they ask at ten or fifteen. You may find that they seem completely fine for several months before suddenly becoming emotional about something you thought had been resolved.

This is normal.

Keep the conversation open. Let your children know they can come to you with questions, worries or feelings whenever they need to. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is, "I'm always here if you want to talk."

Don't forget to look after yourself too

Many parents become so focused on supporting their children that they completely neglect their own wellbeing. But children are incredibly perceptive.

They notice stress, tension and emotional overwhelm, even when adults try to hide it.

That doesn't mean you need to be cheerful all the time or pretend everything is fine. It means recognising that you deserve support too.

Whether that's speaking to friends, working with a coach, attending therapy or simply creating space to process your own emotions, taking care of yourself isn't selfish.

In many ways, it's part of taking care of your children. When parents feel more grounded, children often feel safer too.

Divorce changes a family, but it doesn't have to damage it

No parent gets this process perfectly right. There will be difficult days. There will be conversations you wish you'd handled differently. There will be moments when both you and your children feel overwhelmed.

What matters most isn't perfection, it's continuing to show up.

It's listening when your child wants to talk. It's reassuring them when they're worried. It's reminding them that they are loved by both parents and that the family may look different, but it still exists.

Children don't need perfect parents during a divorce, they need parents who help them feel safe, heard and loved as they navigate a new chapter together.