What to Say to Someone Who Has Experienced the Death of a Child
Child loss. It’s more common than you might think. According to some 2023 statistics, more than 1 in 20 people in the UK has experienced the death of a child under the age of 18. A further 3% have experienced the death of a child over the age of 18 too.
So there’s every possibility that you or someone you know has experienced the painful bereavement that is the loss of a son or daughter.
If a friend, loved one or family member is going through this grief, knowing what to say can be incredibly difficult. So here are 3 tips to follow when trying to support them through the hardest period of their lives.
Make sure they know you’re there to support them
A study which questioned grieving parents ascertained that they do very much want support (particularly emotional support). So sometimes just being on hand to let them know you are very much there to help if you can do anything is helpful in itself.
Without pushing your help on them, you can inform them that you’re there if they want to talk or even want practical assistance with things like childcare, chores and so forth.
Be patient - grief has no timeline
One of the comments from the cited study from a grieving mother was:
“Like my mother-in-law subtly noted after 6 weeks “Are you still crying? You have to stop doing that now, because for us it is very annoying”. And yet she was a very sweet woman who did not know better.”
Some people who experience grief may feel like they can function in weeks. For some it takes months or years. And some people might not feel like themselves for even longer.
Suggesting to people who have lost their child that, after a period of months or even years, they shouldn’t be crying or shouldn't be feeling a certain way is absolutely unhelpful.
Be patient. Continue to offer to be there however long after the event and never hint at the fact you feel their grieving period should be shorter or similar.
Avoid cliches
No matter who you’ve lost, people tend to revert to cliches (perhaps they don’t know what else to say). I lost my Nan a couple of days before my second son was born and multiple people said something to the effect of “One out one in,” or “She made way for him.”
Aside from the fact that it doesn’t align with my personal beliefs, I found those (very well meaning, I’m sure) comments quite upsetting.
Cliches in general (like “everything for a reason,” or “they’re in a better place now,”) don’t generally serve to make people feel better.
Instead (if you’re struggling to know what to say - which is a legitimate struggle because it is difficult) try:
- A sincere apology for their loss
- Being honest with something like “I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling but I’m here if there’s anything I can do
- Share a memory you have with their child
There’s no perfect way to support someone through child loss
But there are definitely things that help. And if you’re not sure, you can always simply ask. “What’s the best way for me to help right now?” Make sure people know it’s ok to tell you they need space just as much as it’s ok to ask for help.
