
12 Proven Strategies for Building Resilience in Children: A Parent's Guide
As my son approaches the age of ten, I am very aware that life is starting to become a bit harder for him in terms of pressure and competition. The sports he has enjoyed up until now have been just for fun or a bit of friendly competition, whereas now there are proper squads, tournaments, and league tables. School has been learning in fun ways, lovely school plays, and a great place to try lots of new things and meet new people. Now education is becoming more serious, with more tests being done in school and thinking about which secondary school is right for you. Friendship groups are fairly well-formed now, so the fallouts feel bigger, the taunts nastier, and this is all while hormones are starting to creep in and play about with your emotions.
So, with all this in mind, I want to help get him started on the right foot and focus on building up his resilience. With secondary school looming in the near distant future, I want to make sure he enters the next stage of life with a healthy mindset and attitude.
I have been doing some research on how I can build resilience in children, and here is what I’ve learned so far:
12 Ways You Can Build Resilience in Children:
Encourage Problem-Solving
It is easy for us to want to do everything for our children, but is this helping them? I, for one, am guilty of this. I show my love by creating meals for them, and often it can be quicker for me to do something than encouraging them to try and do something like their shoelaces for themselves. Encouraging problem-solving is a great way to promote independence and build resilience. If a problem arises, let your child solve it before jumping in to help and do it for them. You can ask guiding questions like ‘What do you think you could do?’ to encourage your child to think for themselves for an answer. The sense of achievement your child will feel when they solve the problem themselves will be huge!
Foster a Growth Mindset
Praise the effort and not just the outcome. Instead of only praising the score they got on a recent test, make sure you also praise how much time your child spent learning all of that information. Acknowledging that you have seen how hard they worked on something or how much time they spent doing it are great ways to build a growth mindset.
Be a Safe Space
Make home a safe place to be. This seems like an obvious thing to say, but this is deeper than it being a physically safe place for children to go home to. What we are talking about here is making home a safe space where children can learn, explore their feelings, and discuss anything and everything with their parents without having the fear of judgment or not having their feelings validated.
You can create this environment by applying these rules (listening to everything they want to tell you, no matter how big or small, without judgment) from a really early age. Your children’s problems are relative to them, so a problem that seems small to you when they are 8 will feel the same to them as a bigger problem when they are 14. I heard a phrase when my two were little that was ‘if you don’t listen to the small stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are older’ and this stuck with me. Listen to EVERYTHING your children want to talk to you about to build up the trust so they can come to you with the big stuff as they get older.
Normalise Mistakes
My husband has a saying which is ‘first spill of the day,’ which is so helpful for normalizing mistakes as it shows how common they are and how good it is to get the first one out of the way. Children need to understand that making mistakes is not only normal, but they are also part of learning and growth. Another good one is FAIL – which stands for "first attempt in learning." I try and use this one with my children and explain that they can’t know everything instantly. You can also make sure that children see you making mistakes and show them how you moved on and what you did next.
Model Resilience
Modeling can be tough for parents, but our children are learning how to react to situations by watching how we handle them. If you have a setback, show them that you can handle it with a positive attitude. We recently had a family holiday where, for the first few days, it felt like everything went wrong! Our airport transport was canceled, the hotel didn’t have the facilities it showed online, and our first experience with the restaurant wasn’t great. It would have been easy to get annoyed by this and let it ruin the first bit of the holiday, but we worked really hard to talk our children through it in a positive way. It’s okay to acknowledge that you are upset, whilst also looking for the positive side. Using phrases like ‘This is tough, but we will work it out’ shows that even when things are hard, you can find a way to make it work.
Teach Emotional Regulation
As children get older, there can be so many new emotions to navigate. Some common ones we are seeing in our house are the feelings of frustration, being under pressure, and anger. The first part of helping children deal with these emotions is to help them work out what the emotion they are feeling right now is and discuss how they make them feel. Trying to teach calming techniques like counting to 10 or deep breathing can be tricky when they are in the middle of these big emotions (and sometimes don’t want to be around their parents when they are going through them), but perseverance and modeling are useful tools here.
Build Strong Relationships
Building strong relationships is vital for children. These can be relationships within the family, so ensure you are still spending quality time together as a family where you can go out and have fun. As children are getting older, their friendship groups become a really big and influential part of their lives. I have always tried to ensure that my children have different pockets of friends, so there isn’t a lot of pressure on one friendship group in case those relationships break down. I try and encourage this by getting my children into different after-school activities that have different children from those they play with at school, and also having close relationships with family friends. Show your child that they have strong support networks around them that they can rely on.
Encourage Independence
Giving children age-appropriate responsibilities, like helping with chores and learning how to make some of their own meals, are great ways to encourage independence. There is a lot of research on how children who are taught to be independent as children can be happier and more successful when they are older. Encourage your children to take responsibility for keeping their bedroom tidy and getting the things they need for school ready. Also, encourage your children to make more choices about what activities and hobbies they want to do, instead of just sticking to the ones you have already done.
Teach Perspective-Taking
This is a new one to me but one I am keen to try. This is all about talking about challenges in context, for example asking ‘Will this matter a year from now?’ Also, talk about how various challenges that pop up can be seen as great opportunities to learn or make something better instead of just being a roadblock.
Promote Optimism
Lots of children can seem to be quite negative towards things when they go wrong and can have a bit of a defeatist attitude. Encourage children to focus on the positives, even when things don’t go to plan. It is also good to work on gratitude and making this a habit. At mealtimes, you can go around the table and ask for one thing everyone is thankful for each day, or this could be done once a week in the car on the way home from school. This doesn’t need to be a big ritual, but trying to incorporate gratitude into your lives can help shift you all into a more positive mindset and help you look for the good when something goes wrong.
Support Physical Health
To have a healthy mind, we also need to have a healthy body! Ensure that your children are getting plenty of sleep, nutritious food, and lots of exercise. Try out some new kids' sports; there are so many out there you are sure to find one that will be perfect for your child.
Research also shows that physical health has a direct impact on emotional resilience. Children who have regular physical exercise are shown to be able to be calmer and handle stressful situations better.
Celebrate Small Wins
You can build confidence and a sense of achievement by celebrating all wins, no matter how big or small.
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Recognize their efforts and accomplishments, no matter how small.
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This builds confidence and a sense of achievement.
Resilience grows with consistent practice and support. By doing these things, you’re giving your children the tools they need to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and optimism.