Why Do Children Stay Friends With People Who Hurt Them? A Mum’s Guide to School Friendship Drama

There comes a stage in primary school when friendships start to feel very different.

In our house, we’ve slowly moved from carefree playground friendships and big groups of friends to smaller, tighter circles where the drama seems to happen more often. Little squabbles have turned into hurtful comments and confusing fallouts, and some evenings end with teary conversations at bedtime as the events of the day finally come pouring out.

I’ve found myself asking the same question again and again:
Why does this keep happening — and how can I support my daughter in the best way?

I don’t have all the answers. But I’ve started digging into the psychology of children’s friendships, and what I’ve learned has completely changed how I see these situations.

The hardest part as a mum

Watching your child feel hurt by people they call friends is heartbreaking.

When my daughter was younger, I felt more in control. I could choose playdates, step in during tricky moments, and give her a reassuring hug on the spot. Now, I only see fragments of what’s happening at school — often late at night, when we’re all tired and emotions are running high.

What worries me most is knowing how deeply friendships shape how children feel about themselves. Confidence, self-esteem, and identity are all tied up in these relationships. If I could create a magic potion that made everyone see my daughter the way I do — kind, funny, thoughtful and wonderful — I absolutely would.

Why do children keep going back to friends who hurt them?

I’ll admit it: sometimes my sympathy turns into frustration.
Why does she keep going back to the same person who upsets her?
Why does the same pattern repeat itself?

As it turns out, there are some very real psychological reasons behind this.

1) Belonging can feel more important than kindness

What’s happening:
For many children, being part of a group feels safer than being alone — even if the group isn’t always kind. Sometimes, staying close to difficult friends feels better than the risk of exclusion.

What I’m learning:
My daughter isn’t choosing unkind friends because she likes being hurt. She’s choosing connection — which suddenly feels much more understandable.

Things I’m going to try:

• Reassuring her that having just one kind friend is enough — she doesn’t need everyone.

• Talking about the difference between being included and feeling happy.

• Helping her see that being alone sometimes is okay — and not a failure.

2) Strong personalities naturally attract attention

What’s happening:
Some children naturally take on a dominant role in friendships. They seem confident, decisive, and socially powerful, which can make others feel drawn to them — even when they’re not always kind.

What I’m learning:
It’s not that my daughter admires unkind behaviour — she may simply feel safer being close to someone who seems in control.

Things I’m going to try:

• Helping her notice how different friends make her feel, not just how popular they seem.

• Talking about quiet confidence versus bossy behaviour.

• Pointing out examples of kind leadership when I see them.

3) The “sometimes nice” effect

What’s happening:
When someone is kind one day and hurtful the next, it can be confusing. Children often hold onto the hope that the “nice version” will come back.

What I’m learning:
Consistency matters more than occasional kindness — but children don’t naturally know that yet.

Things I’m going to try:

• Helping her spot patterns rather than focusing on single moments.

• Asking gentle questions like:
  “If someone made you feel like this most days, would that feel like a good friendship?”

• Normalising that it’s okay to step back from unpredictable friendships.

4) Girls’ friendships can feel intense at this age

What’s happening:
Around ages 8–11, friendships become deeper and more emotional. Fallouts feel dramatic because friendships feel central to identity and belonging.

What I’m learning:
The drama isn’t overreaction — it’s development. Her feelings are real, even if the situation seems small to adults.

Things I’m going to try:

• Validating her feelings before offering solutions.

• Avoiding phrases like “It’s just silly drama.”

• Helping her see that friendships can change without meaning everything is broken.

5) Children are still learning what a healthy friendship means

What’s happening:
At nine years old, children are still figuring out what kindness, respect, and boundaries actually look like in real life.

What I’m learning:
My daughter isn’t failing at friendships — she’s practising them.

Things I’m going to try:

• Talking openly about what a “good friend” feels like.

• Sharing examples from my own friendships (including tricky ones).

• Giving her language to describe uncomfortable feelings rather than just reacting to them.

Why “just don’t play with her” doesn’t work (even though I say it anyway)

If I’m honest, my instinct is always to say:
“Don’t play with her anymore.”

Especially when I can see she has other lovely friends who make her light up when she talks about them.

But I’ve slowly realised that telling children who they shouldn’t be friends with can actually make those friendships feel more desirable. It can also make them feel misunderstood — or as though they’ve made a “wrong” choice.

And even though I know this, I still catch myself saying it. Parenting is messy like that.

Things I’ve already tried (and what’s helped)

As I’ve started thinking more about all of this, I’ve realised that my daughter doesn’t need me to fix her friendships — she needs space to understand them.

One thing that’s helped is giving her simple ways to talk about friendships without feeling judged. We’ve used little prompts and activities at home to explore questions like:

• What makes someone feel like a good friend?

• How do you feel after spending time with different people?

• What does kindness actually look like in everyday situations?

I even ended up creating a small friendship toolkit, simply because I couldn’t find anything that felt gentle and age-appropriate enough. It’s become less about “teaching lessons” and more about opening up conversations — which has felt surprisingly powerful.

What I hope for my daughter (and maybe yours too)

More than anything, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that:

• It’s okay to walk away from people who don’t make her feel good,

• She deserves friendships that feel safe and kind,

• She can trust her own feelings.

I also know that friendships change — even in adult life. Some relationships go through positive phases and difficult ones, and sometimes distance is healthier than confrontation.

With secondary school on the horizon, I feel a quiet pressure for her to enter the next chapter with confidence, self-belief, and the ability to navigate friendships with kindness — both towards others and herself.

And if I’m honest, I’m learning right alongside her.